


A Midsummer Night's Dream (Abridged)

by nabringa



Category: A Midsummer Night's Dream - All Media Types, Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Kinda, Puns & Word Play, abridged work, but it gets surprisingly dark too, what was your problem bill?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nabringa/pseuds/nabringa
Summary: Midsummer Night’s Dream but abridged. So, you know. Shortened, condensed, it gets the point across, like a summary so you can study for that test even if you didn't actually read the book.(Who am I kidding, this is PURE crack.)
Relationships: Demetrius/Helena (Midsummer Night's Dream), Hermia/Lysander (Midsummer Night's Dream)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> Is this pure genius? No.  
> Does this make any logical sense or follow even a basic plot line? Also no.  
> This, my dear reader, is pure crack.
> 
> Enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theseus: My dear Hippopotamus, our wedding is in four days, so I would like you to do this exercise routine everyday for ten hours. You need to lose weight if the wedding pictures are gonna look good on Instagram. The whole routine is a good mix of Tai Quan Do, Yoga, and straight up Boot Camp.
> 
> Hippo: Oh but sweety, I already lost so much weight after you stabbed me and I spent a week being fed out of a tube in the hospital. Was it not enough?
> 
> Theseus: Never enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of a beautiful (*coughing sounds*) story that will forever shape our lives.
> 
> Or haunt our dreams.
> 
> You decide.

**ACT I, Scene 1**

_(Enter Theseus, Hippolyta, and Philostrate, with others)_

Theseus: My dear Hippopotamus, our wedding is in four days, so I would like you to do this exercise routine everyday for ten hours. You need to lose weight if the wedding pictures are gonna look good on Instagram. The whole routine is a good mix of Tai Quan Do, Yoga, and straight up Boot Camp.

Hippo: Oh but sweety, I already lost so much weight after you stabbed me and I spent a week being fed out of a tube in the hospital. Was it not enough?

Theseus: Never enough. Now Philostrate, have you sent out the invitations to all of our social media followers, and did you mention we’re having pizza, those young people won't come if there isn't pizza.

_(EXIT Philostrate after giving a brief Wakandas forever)_

Theseus: Now Hippo, we went to war but it only got 15 million views, if we want to get more this wedding is going to have to be perfect, meaning you're going to need to lose a few, I'm thinking a before and after kind of thing. People love that stuff.

_(ENTER Egeus and his daughter Hermia, and Lysander and Demetrius)_

Egeus: HAPPY BIRTHDAY THESEUS!

Theseus: Thank you Eagle, but I’m getting married.

Egeus/Eagle: Speaking of marriage! My daughter Hermia is engaged to Demetrius, but she says she's in love with Lysander because he supports her ‘dreams of college’ or some other nonsense. And I talked to my therapist about it, and he said that Lysanderf must have poisoned her with teddy bears and cheap chocolate hearts. And that he deserves to die for it. What do you think of Theseus? I need a second opinion, the mirror that is my therapist has a bit of a shady background…

Theseus: What do you have to say about this Hermia? You may speak your mind here. But if it goes against the patriarch then we will feed you to the lions.

Hermia: I love Lysander because he supports my decision of going to college and becoming a detective!

Theseus: Well your testimony is different from your dads, and he's a man, so he must be correct here.

Hermia: But I have proof! I had to get my lawyer degree online because my dad didn’t let me go to college. I had to have all my legal papers signed by Lysander, which timed out perfectly with his weird phase of thinking he was my father figure. 

Theseus: Hmm, this is quite troubling, but what about Demetrius? He knows how to use a sword, isn’t that enough?

Hermia: No. 

Theseus: Very well then, you shall be put to death via lions/scorpion/snake pit, or become a nun vowing to never marry if you do not accept Demetrius!

Hermia: (contemplating) Nuns get good education these days… I’ll take that one.

Theseus: Then prepare yourself, for all our nuns are lions and scorpions and snakes!!! You will be miserable for sure.

Demetrius: Hermia please don’t go! I had a snake for a roommate once, it was terrible.

Lysander: Silence, you Greek Yogurt attempt at being Greek. If she wants to learn how to track down wanted criminals and write professional case files alongside venomous peers, then she can do that.

Eagle: Well you, Lysander, are an even cheaper version of Greek Yogurt. Demetrius here is like Froyo, everyone loves him. So therefore since you're a cheap imitation of him, your opinion is invalid (sticks out his tongue).

Lysander: (to Theseus) I am just as good as him. Like Froyo with two toppings. BUT ONLY TWO. Any more is too much, and I am never too much. I also am willing to pay for Hermia’s tuition, which is more than him. AND! AND! Demetrius and that girl Helena are totally an item. Soo… 

Theseus: Yes. I have heard such rumors too. Eagle and Froyo, please come with me. We have some things to discuss that are completely unimportant but it will give those two time alone. Even though that's not what we want.

Eagle: Of course, that's very logical.

_(EXIT all but Hermia and Lysander/Froyo2)_

Lysander/Froyo2: Okay. Becoming a nun might not be the best, but hey, it's better than death.

Hermia: (crying) I just wanted to become a detective…

Froyo2: Hey, I know it's not your dream college, but life doesn’t always work out like that. I'm sure the snake nunnery has a great criminal investigations program.

Hermia: (still crying) I checked the pamphlet.. All they have open for nonpoisonous students is-- is the English program. (sob) WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AN ENGLISH DEGREE!? (more sobbing)

Froyo2: Hey, what about enrolling in online school!

Hermia: I don't have my own computer. And my dad would never agree so I can't use his.

Froyo2: Don't worry I have a plan.

Hermia: It better be better than your last plan to lay siege to the public library.

Froyo2: This plan is way better. So you know my aunt and how she totally evades taxes and would be totally chill housing runaways or telling the police a bunch of crap if they start asking questions...

Hermia: I kind of see where you're going with this. But isn’t she currently housing a bunch of government experiments, and pretending to be Amish to do it? She's not going to have room for us or computers.

Froyo2: Well yeah, but... She considers me to be a son so I'm sure she’ll make room for us. And she has a secret bunker stocked full of all kinds of tech. It would be the perfect environment for studying criminal justice and investigation!

Hermia: So we’re running away from our politically powerful parents to hide in an illegal bunker to learn how to investigate such illegal things via illegal computers. (shrugs) Sounds good to me. Let's meet in the woods at midnight. I already have the Hobbit soundtrack downloaded so the journey should go off without a hitch.

Froyo2: Great! (hears footsteps approaching) Shhh, someone’s coming.

_(ENTER Helena)_

Hermia: YO! Helena, whats up?

Helena: NO YOU’RE THE PRETTY ONE! I wish I could cut off your face and staple it to mine. Then maybe Demetrius-- my sweet, sweet Froyo-- maybe then he would love me!

Hermia: I… Seriously doubt that, but... You can have him, ya know. Like, I'm a taken woman.

Helena: I wish you could teach me your skills. Is it the wind and the cherry blossoms, cause I tried that and he just gave me A Look. 

Hermia: I really don’t like the guy, so please take him. Try being yourself… Or something like that…

Helena: Please tell me everything Froyo has done this past week, I want to know everything so I can put it in my stalker diary. 

Hermia: I don’t know, he just. Like. Follows me around like a creep.

Helena: (furiously scribbling in a notebook) Uhuh uhuh...

Hermia: If he follows me off a cliff one of these days. It's on him.

Helena: So what you're saying is I should walk off a cliff and see if he follows to determine his feelings about me?

Hermia: No. In fact, I'm sure he will be all yours soon. Me and Froyo2 are running away cauz the patriarchy of Athens sucks butt.

Froyo2: Yeah. We're gonna sneak out in the middle of the night.

Hermia: Yeah. To the woods. After we tell you all our plans of course. Anyways, good luck with Demetrius. Bya.

_(EXIT Hermia)_

Froyo2: See ya in the woods later, love. (waves) See ya around Helena. And I totally ship you and Demetrius, you guys were made for each other.

_(EXIT Froyo2)_

Helena: Aww those two are so cute. Welp. Time to tell Demetrius all about their plans and ruin both their lives. Honestly, what a cute couple.

_(EXIT Helena)_

**ACT I, Scene 2**

_(ENTER Quince, and Snug, and Bottom, and Flute, and Snout, and Starveling)_

Quince: Are all you MORONS here?

Bottom: You should probably call role and, like, tell them what we’re doing.

Quince: Alright MORONS. Y’all are a bunch of eccentric jobless men in Athens who are to perform for the highest ranking people at their wedding in three days. I hope you MORONS can learn fast, otherwise we will be executed.

Bottom: Okay Quince, why don’t you tell them what play they signed up for. I mean, if they’re dying for it and all.

Quince: (long, drawn out sigh) Okay. Okay MORONS, the play we are doing for the nobles is called “The Hilarious Deaths of two Nobles Pyramid and ThisBee”.

Bottom: An excellent choice for the nobles wedding. Now Quince, please stop dragging this out even longer and give us our roles. Please.

Quince: Answer me when I call your name MORONS. Don’t raise hands, I'm not looking. Okay first is Nick Bottom. A ridiculous name.

Bottom: (rolls eyes) Now give me my part. 

Quince: All right, all right MORON. You’re playing the part of Pyramid.

Bottom: Is this Pyramid a Lover? Or a Fighter? I can do both just in case you were asking.

Quince: You’re a Suicidal Lover MORON.

Bottom: OH YES! That will bring tears to the audience's eyes. If I perform then the audience WILL BE MOVED. I am a FIRE, I am a STORM, look upon me and SWOON all ye people. Even though I could play a GREAT Fighter, a Lover will have to do. Carry on Quince.

Quince: The next MORON is Francis Flute. You mend bellows or something, I didn’t actually read your resume.

Flute: Preesent. (chucks a birthday present at Quince)

Quince: You will be playing ThisBee, MORON.

Flute: Is ThisBee a train conductor by any chance?

Quince: No. Trains haven’t been invented yet. ThisBee is Pyramids Lady-Love.

Flute: But I’m just now getting facial hair.

Quince: Then you can wear a mask. And feel free to speak in an annoyingly high pitched voice.

Bottom: I wanna play ThisBee too. I can wear a mask and speak in an annoyingly high pitched voice, see (in an annoyingly high pitched voice) ‘I’m ThisBee, I have an annoyingly high pitched voice. I love you Pyramid, eeeeeeh.’

Quince: No.

Bottom: Okay.

Quince: MORON Robin is playing The Tinman, MORON Tom is playing The Scarecrow, I am The Little Pogostick Dog, and MORON Snug is playing The Lion.

Snug: Umm, I don’t see any of The Lions lines…

Quince: MORON. All The Lion does is roar.

Bottom: Oh! Ooh. Let me be The Lion Quince. I am a great roarer. See? ROOOOAR. Can I do it please please please--

Quince: No MORON. You’ll scare the nobles and we’ll all be hanged.

All: (downcast) Hanged…

Bottom: (downcast-er) Hanged… I promise to roar softly?

Quince: No MORON. You’re playing Pyramid. You have the perfect face for a mentally unstable playboy.

Bottom: Okay. Do I get to wear one of those fake beards?

Quince: Go wild MORON.

Bottom: NICE! Should I have a yellow beard or an orange beard or a PURPLE beard??? Or a French BEARD?!?

Quince: MORON. French people are clean shaven. Alright MORONS. Meet in the woods at midnight tonight, because that's the best place and time for rehearsal.

Bottom: See ya there!

Quince: Bye MORONS.

Bottom: Tally ho and what not!

_(EXIT All)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY OVER.


	2. Act II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin: What up, Fairy?
> 
> Random Fairy: Oh you know, working for the Fairy Queen, doing flower stuff. I spent four years in college for this you know…

**Act II, Scene 1**

_(ENTER Random Fairy and Robin Goodfellow)_

Robin: What up, Fairy?

Random Fairy: Oh you know, working for The Fairy Queen, doing flower stuff. I spent four years in college for this you know…

Robin: Oof. Is The Queen coming here tonight? Cauz that's gonna be messy. The King is coming too, and you know they’re having that fight over The Pretty Boy. He was just too pretty…

Random Fairy: Hey, aren’t you that guy from that one thing with like the hoodie and the ears like from 2014 or something? You know what I’m talking about?

Robin: Yeah, that's me. I have my own comedy show now ya know. But only The Fairy King thinks I'm funny. But I mean, hey, a king isn't the worst kind of person to have on your patreon. Speak of the devil, here comes The King!

Random Fairy: Ooh, and The Queen too. Get ready for some major drama. Where's the popcorn?

_(ENTER Oberon the King of the Fairies with his train; and Titania the Queen of the Fairies with her train/One, Two, Three, and Four)_

Oberon: Why are you here, fatty?

Titania: What? Am I not allowed to be in the woods at midnight? This is about The Pretty Boy I adopted isn’t it. Honestly, you're so petty. 

Oberon: Don’t speak to me like that, I am your King!

Titania: And I am your Queen! And I know all about how you snuck out to karaoke with your guy friends. And I know you're planning on blessing that Amazon lady’s wedding. You obsess over spending time with anybody but me!

Oberon: You can’t say anything, Titania! I know about your celebrity crush on Theseus and how you went up and asked for a picture last Saturday! You're just as bad!

Titania: We both suck!

Oberon: So are you sorry or not? If you are then give me THE PRETTY BOY! I WANT HIM!!!

Titania: NO! HIS MOM WAS MY BEST FRIEND SO I GET TO KEEP HIM!!!

Oberon: (long sighhh) How long are you gonna be here?

Titania: Maybe I’ll just stay here till after the wedding. If you do karaoke with ME maybe I'll leave.

Oberon: Only if I get The Pretty Boy.

Titania: NEVER! Lets go fairies. (swooshes cape) 

_(EXIT Titania and her train/One, Two, Three, and Four)_

Oberon: FINE! THEN LEAVE!!! Hey, Robin? Remember that time we saw a dolphin shoot lasers out of its back screaming ‘DEUS EX MACHINAAAA’.

Robin: Oh yeah, I remember. The good ol’ days.

Oberon: Well it turns out Cupid shot a flower. Wanna get it for me?

Robin: Give me 40 minutes.

_(EXIT Robin with a swoosh)_

Oberon: Excellent! Insert exposition about making Titania fall in love with a pineapple, and I will only let her marry it if she gives me custody of The Pretty Boy. Insert evil laugh, hahahehehehhohohoheehehehe-- oh crap someones coming. Invisibility cloak activates, time for some serious eavesdropping.

_(ENTER Demetrius/Froyo with Helena following)_

Froyo: GOOOOOO AAAWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Helena: You're a lady magnet, stop denying it.

Froyo: Am I unintentionally flirting with you?! I DO NOT LOVE YOU! I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY!!!

Helena: Oh Froyo! Every time you say that it makes me love you more. Let's have an abusive relationship!

Froyo: You make me want to throw up.

Helena: Well, I want to throw up when I'm not looking at you.

Froyo: You know, sneaking out at night alone with a guy is going to ruin your reputation, even if the guy hates you.

Helena: It is not night, for you are my sunshine! You are my world and you are with me so therefore the world is with me and I am technically not alone!

Froyo: I think I heard a wolf. Why don’t you walk towards the sound while I hide in these bushes.

Helena: You can't get rid of me that easily. I bribed Cupid SUCKA!

Froyo: I will booby trap this forest woman! 

Helena: Oh don't be mean

_(EXIT Froyo in a rush)_

Helena: Well, I'm going to follow you anyways.

_(EXIT Helena)_

Oberon: This is going to be fun. 

_(ENTER Robin)_

Oberon: Did you get the flower thingy?

Robin: Yeah, no sweat.

Oberon: Then give it to me stooopid. Hehehe, here take it and squirt some flower juice on Titania’s eyes and watch the fun. Also on that rude greek guy's eyes too. It will be funny.

Robin: Yessah!

_(EXIT Oberon and Robin)_

**Act II, Scene 2**

_(ENTER Titania and her train/One, Two, Three, and Four)_

Titania: Please sing me to sleep with your lovely tunes. (lies down)

One: (screeching) SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I AIN’T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED…

Two: SHE WAS LOOKING KINDA DUMB WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB IN THE SHAPE OF AN L ON HER FOURHEAD…

Three: WELL THE YEARS START COMING AND THEY DON’T STOP COMING. FED TO THE RULES AND I HIT THE GROUND RUNNING

Four: DIDN’T MAKE SENSE NOT TO LIVE FOR FUN YOUR BRAIN GETS SMART BUT YOUR HEAD GETS DUMB. 

All: SO MUCH TO DO SO MUCH TO SEE SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH TAKING THE BACK STREETS. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW IF YOU DON’T GO. OH! YOU’LL NEVER SHINE IF YOU DON’T GLOW OHHHH

One: (sees Titiana is asleep, hushes the others and continues in a whisper) hey now you’re an all star get your game on go play hey now you’re a rockstar get you show on get paid. and all that glitters is gold, only shooting stars break the moooooold…

_(EXIT train/One Two,Three, Four; ENTER Oberon carrying a hairless cat)_

Oberon: (anointing Titania's eyes with flower juice) When you wake up you shall fall in love with this hairless cat I have here. HAHAHA, revenge is soo worth it. The Pretty Boy shall be mine, HAHAHAHA…

_(EXIT Oberon, ENTER Froyo2 and Hermia)_

Froyo2: BTdubs, we’re lost.

Hermia: (wheezing) Okay… Let's… Find a place to… Sleep... I call... the… stream. HUFF HUFF HUFF

Froyo2: But I wanted the stream. It has all that fluffy moss. Can’t you share!?

Hermia: HECK NO! THAT MOSS IS MINE, SUCKA!!!

Froyo2: If you love me you’ll give me some moss…

Hermia: (lies down) Nice try. Except it's not. Go to sleep.

Froyo2: Fine. (also lies down) Fine, fine, fine. 

Hermia: GO TO SLEEP!

_(ENTER Robin)_

Robin: Ladada, doodadoo. Looking for an Athenian... (sees Froyo2) This must be the guy I’m looking for. Now, sir. If you would just sign here and I’ll anoint your eyeballs with creepy flower juice sir. (anoints) Now just go on your way and fall in love. Bya. 

_(EXIT Robin, ENTER Demetrius/Froyo and Helena at a run)_

Helena: Come here and kill me, Froyo! I love you!!!

Froyo: Nobody wants to marry A FREAKING MASOCHIST HELENA!

Helena: Stop running Froyo! You haven’t stabbed me yet!!!

Froyo: Heck no, crazy woman! 

_(EXIT Froyo)_

Helena: (stops to breath) Whoo! I am out of breath! Hermia is going to have to have strong legs if she wants to be with that guy. (sees Froyo2) Dude is that Lysander? Is he dead? Poke, poke. (pokes Froyo2)

Froyo2: (waking up) MARRY ME HELENA!!!

Helena: I thought you were eloping with Hermia. I mean I’m flattered, but you guys were kind of a thing.

Froyo2: MARRY ME HELENA!!! Hermia can go die in a hole.

Helena: If only Froyo said such sweet things… Speaking of Froyo, I have a love marathon to get back to, so BYA. 

_(EXIT Helena)_

Froyo2: How did she not see Hermia? Who is lying literally right there? Oh well. I have a psychopath to marry. 

_(EXIT Froyo2)_

Hermia: (waking up) Dude I just had this crazy dream where we were side characters in a Japanese TV show five hundred years from now and there was this duck and I was a donkey… Lysander… LYSANDER! Guess he’s gone. Time to go manhunting. 

_(EXIT Hermia while playing theme song)_


	3. Act III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bottom: Are y’all here?
> 
> Quince: Pat pat. Hey look, a convenient clearing. I have a bright idea, let's rehearse here MORONS!
> 
> Bottom: We already decided that in Act I stupid.
> 
> Quince: (whispers) moron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup yall, I don't know what I'm doing.

**Act III, Scene 1**

_(ENTER The Clowns™ with Titania asleep center stage)_

Bottom: Are y’all here?

Quince: Pat pat. Hey look, a convenient clearing. I have a bright idea, let's rehearse here MORONS!

Bottom: We already decided that in Act I stupid.

Quince: (whispers) moron.

Bottom: I am so glad Pyramid stabs himself halfway through the play. Though it might not go over well with the Amazons....

Snout: Amazons are scary. shiver shiver. 

Starvelling: Well to avoid being ACTUALLY gutted by Lady Meat Hands, lets just leave that part out. 

Bottom: Oh I have an idea! Why don’t you MORONS write a prologue for the play telling the scary women that it is a play and the gutting is not real. You know, to avoid all out war.

Quince: I like where you’re going with that MORON! How about we make it a song!

Bottom: No. A rap. I hear Amazons are into that kind of thing.

Snout: Don’t we have a lion in this play. Isn’t the lion like an Amazonian call to battle or something…

Starvelling: shiver shiver. 

Bottom: The battle will be glorious.

Snout: Or it won’t be and we’ll all die wimpy deaths. We’re going to need a rap.

Bottom: Actually, no! We’re not freaking Hamilton! We’ll just put a banner over the lion saying, ‘NOT A REAL LION. PLEASE DON’T WAGE WAR AGAINST US!’ It works every time.

Quince: MOVING ON! We don’t have a stage crew so some MORONS are going to have to ninja their way to the roof and blow it open so we can get that sweet sweet moonlight lighting. 

Snout: Or we could do it outside or something…

Bottom: Let me check the calendar.

Quince: Shut up MORON. A calendar isn’t going to help us, we’re already booked for the great hall. We're going to have to cut the moonlight. Oh but we need it for the kiss scene. Without moonlight the whole scene will be ruuineeed!!!!!!

Snout: YOU DIDN’T MENTION A KISS SCENE. You do remember that we are the ones playing ALL the roles right?

Bottom: I assure you it never left his mind.

Quince: ALRIGHTY MORONS! Let's get this rehearsal going!

_(ENTER Robin, invisible)_

Robin: (aside) What are these country bumpkins doing swaggerin' aboot these parts? Are they doing a play perhaps? I shall join them as an actor. I've always wanted to be an actor. 

Quince: MORON Pyramid. Speaketh.

Bottom: (as Pyramid) These flowers stink sweet.

Quince: ‘Smell’ sweet MORON. Do you even English.

Bottom: (as Pyramid) ‘Smell’ sweet. Just like your breath ThisBee. Did you use toothpaste this time or something?

_(EXIT Bottom as Pyramid)_

Robin: (aside) Pyramid is trash at flirting. 

_(EXIT ROBIN)_

Flute: do i have to do this…

Quince: Yes moron. And remember to make your voice squeaky. SQUEAKY I TELL YOU!

Flute: (as ThisBee in a high pitched squeal) Oh Pyramid! Your breath stinks sweet too! Lets meet behind the gym after school!

Quince: Schools haven’t been invented yet MORON. Bottom get in here!

_(ENTER Robin and Bottom as Pyramid with a donkey head)_

Flute: (as ThisBee) Oh wow! You look like a horse.

Bottom: (as Pyramid) I LOOK like a horse. But alas nay. I am a donkey.

Quince: FLY YOU MORONS!

_(EXIT Quince, Flute, Snout, Snug, and Starvelling)_

Robin: Born of cold and winter air and mountain rain combining… This icy force both foul and fair has a frozen heart worth mining… 

_(EXIT Robin)_

Bottom: What just happened.

_(ENTER Snout)_

Snout: You look like a horse. 

Bottom: I’M A DONKEY DANGIT! 

_(EXIT Snout, ENTER Quince)_

Quince: You look like a horse. 

_(EXIT Quince)_

Bottom: I feel a song coming on… (sings)  
WHEN I WAS  
A YOUNG BOY  
MY FATHER  
TOOK ME INTO THE CITY  
TO SEE A MARCHING BAND

Titania: (waking up) What's this I hear? Another emo is near?

Bottom: (still singing)  
HE SAID SON WHEN  
YOU GROW UP  
WILL YOU BE  
THE SAVIOR OF THE BROKEN  
THE BEATEN AND THE DAMNED

Titania: Oh my! An emo HORSE! I can put him in my collection along with The Pretty Boy.

Bottom: I think you’re demented. But that seems to be a trend in the youth these days, so no bother.

Titania: Thou art a wise emo horse.

Bottom: Thank ye kindly. Do you know where the exit signs are?

Titania: Fairies! Commence operation kidnap the emo donkey!

_(ENTER Fairies One, Two Three, and Four)_

One: Operation--

Two: Commences--

Three: Now.

Four: Yeeeeeet!

All: Where is the target master. 

Titania: There! Tie him up and force feed him strawberries!

One: Will do sensei.

Two: Yessah.

Three: Master!

Four: Hail Hydra!

Bottom: (while being force fed) So like (spoon) what's you guys’ (spoon) names? (spoon)

Two: Two.

Bottom: Cool, cool.

One: One.

Bottom: I believe I’ve met your parents before Mr. One. 

Four: Four.

Bottom: Such creative names.

Titania: Stop the strawberries! Gag him and take him to The Pretty Boy! 

_(EXIT All)_

**Act III, Scene 2**

_(ENTER Oberon)_

Oberon: (whispering to a picture) I will find you Pretty Boy. Don’t worry Pretty Boy, your mother will soon die. 

_(ENTER Robin)_

Oberon: AGGHHH Robin… You’re here. (cough) What news do you bring?

Robin: EXPOSITION! I must be in an anime! Yeah so Titania kidnapped a horse. I think this plan wasn’t quite thought through.

Oberon: This turned out better than I thought hmmmmm… What about that Greek Yogurt guy who wouldn’t marry the psychopath? How did that all turn out?

Robin: Oh don’t worry. That worked out perfectly. I TOTALLY got the right guy!

_(ENTER Froyo and Hermia)_

Oberon: Look it’s the Greek Yogurt guy.

Robin: Oh shoot. (steps aside)

Froyo: Why do you hate me again? I mean I have froyo! 

Hermia: I have a reason to suspect you killed one Lysander A. Greekguy. Alias: My Boyfriend. Would you mind answering a few questions for me Mr. Froyo? What were you doing last night, as in this night, at one p.m?

Demetrius: This night. Is the worst.

Hermia: So you admit to not being mentally secure last night. When was the last time you saw Lysander?

Demetrius: Listen Detective Hermia, if I saw the guy I would have killed him on sight. But I haven’t seen him since yesterday at noon. 

Detective Hermia: So you have been feeling murderous toward Lysander. And you're both in the same woods. Seems awfully suspicious to me… And your nonexistent alibi is not matching up.

Froyo: I never thought you were the detective type.

Detective Hermia: Are you dodging the question Mr. Froyo? And of course you didn’t know of my detective ambitions, that's why I liked Lysander better.

Froyo: Even if I did kill Lysander, what would you do? We’re both lost in the woods, there aren’t any jails here or anything.

Detective Hermia: Oh you’d be surprised Froyoman. You’d be surprised… Oh so surprised… So surprised... (slowly backs off stage whispering about surprise jails in the forest)

_(EXIT Detective Hermia)_

Froyo: Well that's going to give me nightmares. Time to slip into eternal suffering. (lies down and goes to sleep)

Oberon: (to Robin) It would appear you did something wrong. Although at this point I have forgotten our original goal, so does it really matter?

Robin: No not really.

Oberon: Ooh! Why don’t we get this guy to fall in love with the psychopath! That’ll be fun, won’t it Robin? 

Robin: Righteo Mr. Oberon. And please, call me Batman. I graduated last month.

_(EXIT Batman)_

Oberon: (squirting Froyo’s eyes with flower juice) Of course Batman. (looks up) He-- he’s already gone. Must’ve used one of those fancy new smoke bombs the kids are into these days. 

_(ENTER Batman)_

Batman: I brought the psychopath, and she's got Froyo 2.0 with her.

Oberon: Get the popcorn too.

Robin: Don’t worry, I even brought extra butter. This is going to be great! (steps aside)

_(ENTER Froyo2 and Helena/Psychopath)_

Froyo2: I really really love you! See, I learned how to cry on command to prove it!

Psychopath: Oh that’s very sweet, but I don’t love you so I can’t let you kill me. Only Froyo can kill me, because we’re in love.

Froyo2: No! I will kill you! I promise. Here, have some deadly nightshade!

Psychopath: Hmm, I might take you up on that. But only if Froyo has become a werewolf, I was always on team Edward anyways.

Froyo2: Well Froyo isn’t here, so logic says he is a werewolf. Now die.

Froyo: (waking up) WATASHI GA KITA MOTHER FRIDGER! Oh my dear Psychopath, it is you. Come here so I can show my undying love for you and stab you.

Psychopath: Oh that's very sweet, but didn’t you go and hang out with those wolves earlier?

Froyo: (whispers) Only a little.

Psychopath: Well then you and Froyo2 are at the same love level. It shall be a fight to the DEATH! My DEATH!

Froyo2: I will kill you unto death my lovely masochist!

Psychopath: Do your best lovey.

Froyo: NO I SHALL KILL YOU, my dearest! For I love you more than this scummy Froyo with two toppings! I bet they’re gummy bears and oreos. DISGUSTING!

Froyo2: I WILL KILL YOU! (rushes forward with a handful of poison berries)

Froyo: NO I! (rushes forward with a wolf claw knife)

(Froyo and Froyo2 attack, and Psychopath dies) 

_(ENTER Detective Hermia)_

Detective Hermia: What's this I see? A murder? Let me in on the case why don’t you!

Froyo2: And why should we tell you anything?

Detective H: Because I am your lawyer.

Froyo2: Well I don’t need you anymore. I have become a werewolf and pledged my allegiance to the Psychopath!

Detective H: (writing in notebook) Pledged your allegiance, you say. And now she’s dead… I’m giving you a suspicious look.

Psychopath: Sup y’all! I’m a ghost now, and I lost my memories! Ooh is that a dead body, let me suck its blood!

Detective H: I am amazed at your words! It seems you have become a Psychotic Amnesiac Vampire Ghost. Would you mind giving me a statement?

Psychotic Amnesiac Vampire Ghost: Well I don’t remember anything, but I see two manly Froyos over there, and I really want them to stab me right now. But alas! I am a ghost.

Detective H: So the victim likes to be stabbed, and the suspects pledged their allegiance… Very suspicious indeed.

P.A.V.G: WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK.

Froyo2: Gasp! My dear Psychopath, you are here!

P.A.V.G: Yes. Yes I am.

Detective H: (to Froyo2) You seriously didn’t notice the glowing transparent vampire till just now? How the frick did you not see her!

Froyo: IN HIS DEFENSE, I didn’t see her either. How are you doing my dear?

Froyo2: SEE! He didn’t notice her either, so don’t yell at me, lawyer! You’re supposed to defend me, right? Well, I want to file for a marriage certificate with this here ghost!

Froyo: No I want to file for a marriage certificate!

Froyo2: NO ME! I have a lawyer!

Froyo: Well then fight me!

Detective H: No fighting. We still have a murder to solve.

Froyo2: Go away or I’ll fire you!

Froyo: Oh! If he fires you then can I hire you? Froyo2, please fire her!

Froyo2: Fine then. You’re fired. Now let us fight!

Detective H: I’m not your lawyer anymore, but I’m still a detective! So I still have to solve this case, and you two are the main suspects, so no fighting.

Froyo2: Meanie!

Detective H: (sticks out tongue) Nha, nah!

P.A.V.G: Am I a suspect too? 

Froyo2: Of course not, love. 

Froyo: Who would ever suspect a sweet psychopath such as yourself!

Froyo2: I SHALL NOW FIGHT YOU FROYO, FOR SWEET TALKING MY GHOST!

Detective H: OH MY FREAKING gOSH! I’m the Authority here, and I forbid you from jousting until you have answered my questions and have told me who killed the Psychotic Amnesiac Vampire Ghost That Used To Be Helena!

Froyo2: NEVER! I love that Psychotic Amnesiac Vampire Ghost That Used To Be Helena too much to tell you anything about how she asked us to kill her and so we both rushed forward and simultaneously poisoned and stabbed her to death! I would never say anything about that!

Detective H: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel now. That is VERY interesting. You know what I think Ms. Psychotic Amnesiac Vampire Ghost? I think you're guilty. Whadda ya have to say about that, huh?

P.A.V.G: Heh heh heh. Whatcha gonna do about it shortie? 

Detective H: GASP! Are you insulting my height?!?! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM FIVE FEET TWO INCHES TALL!! THAT IS THE HEIGHT OF A GODDESS YOU BEAN POLE!

P.A.V.G: I ain't taking it back, ya small stack of pancakes. Even as a ghost with flowy legs I'm taller than you, a whole three inches! Ha! The only way being short is cool is if you chop off your legs! But I'm keeping all the chopping to myself so you aren't cool!

Detective H: YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE.

P.A.V.G: How about an impromptu summary? So I told Froyo about your spy plans, followed him into the woods so he could kill me, he was like 'nah bruh werewolves', and I was like 'shooo boi, you right', and then Froyo was like 'i’m not a werewolf' you know, like a liar. And then stuff went down and I achieved all of my wildest dreams. I couldn't have done it without you! Also I won the nobel peace prize, so I have to be there to receive it soon. (checks nonexistent watch)

Detective H: Well you better get going then. WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?!

P.A.V.G: Well I already purchased tickets to the joust…

Detective H: OH. MY. GOSH. The joust that I already said WASN'T happening?

P.A.V.G: I have fifty bucks on Froyo.

Froyo2: How could you bet on HIM?! MY weapon of choice is a rubber chicken dressed as Robin Hood. That's a GUARANTEED win right there!

Froyo: Oh yeah? Well my weapon of choice is a SWORD. Take that!

P.A.V.G: Hmmmmmmm… Well now I'm not so sure. Froyo2 does seem to have the advantage. But Froyo could call in his pack to even things out a bit. AGH! I just don't know who to bet all of my life savings on! What do you think, short-stack?

Detective H: Again with the 'short-stack’? Do you wanna fight bro?! COME AT ME?!?!

Froyo2: No WE'RE fighting! (@ Detective H.) YOU DWARF, YOU TINIEST OF CREATURES, YOU WEED THAT STUNTS GROWTH, YOU BEAD, YOU… YOU ACORN!!!!!

Froyo: Did you just call her an acorn? DUDE, get better insults.

Froyo2: Oh yeah! Let's fight about it. Follow me into the unknown weeds, to a clearing that's filled with cheese puffs. That should be the perfect jousting arena.

Froyo: Follow YOU?! NAY I WILL GO WITH THEE CHEEK BY JOWL!!!

_(EXIT Froyo and Froyo2)_

Detective H: Well I can see who's appreciated here. (sees P.A.V.G backing away) Where do you think you're going?

P.A.V.G: (backing away) Those halls of fame can't wait pipsqueak. My legs are longer than yours so I can run away faster too. 

_(EXIT P.A.V.G)_

Detective H: I. Am. Speechless. 

_(EXIT Detective H.)_

Oberon: (coming out of hiding) Batman. Whatever you did wrong… It. Was. Glorious.

Batman: Well you said to anoint a Froyo… I just didn't take into account the 2. Well at least it's hilarious!

Oberon: Fix it. (gives flower to Batman)

Batman: Welp! Better do it before the ghosts come!

Oberon: You do know that WE are weird spirits that go out at night to mess with people too? Right? 

_(EXIT Oberon)_

Batman:  
HEAD AND SHOULDERS  
KNEES AND TOES  
KNEES AND TOES  
HEAD AND SHOULDERS  
KNEES AND TOES  
KNEES AND FROYO2 

_(ENTER Froyo2)_

Froyo2: Come at me you piece of knock-off ice cream!!!

Batman: (in Froyo’s voice) I am over here you troglodyte!

Froyo2: Be there in a minute, I have to prepare my bungee jumper.

Batman: (in Froyo’s voice) Follow me to the playground when you're done.

_(EXIT Froyo2, ENTER Froyo)_

Froyo: Say that again! Where are you! You in that bush huh?! FIGHT ME BUSH! I DECLARE WAR!

Batman: (in Froyo2’s voice) You declaring war on a bush now? Is it because that's all you can win against?

Froyo: Where are you BUSHY?!

Batman: (in Froyo2’s voice) Lets battle for manhood over there. 

_(EXIT Batman and Froyo, ENTER Froyo2)_

Froyo2: NAPTIME. (lies down and sleeps)

_(ENTER Froyo and Batman)_

Batman: (in Froyo2’s voice) Hohohohohphohohohohohohohohhohoho

Froyo: What are you, some kind of BUSH?!

Batman: (in Froyo2’s voice) Watashi ga kita a-hole.

Froyo: NAPTIME. (lies down and sleeps)

_(ENTER P.A.V.G)_

P.A.V.G: Oh man those famous people galas can be exhausting, NAPTIME. (lies down and sleeps)

Batman: Yo yo, where's the other one?

_(ENTER Detective H.)_

Detective H: This day has been so confusing. You know what I need? I NEED NAPTIME. (lies down and sleeps)

Batman: Time to fix some messy, but admittedly hilarious, relationships. (applies flower juice to Froyo2’s eyes) When everyone wakes up they will be very confused. But maybe, possibly, just a little bit happy. Or they will try and figure out who the impostor was! We shall see. 

_(EXIT Batman)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that I was not in the right state of mind when I wrote this.


	4. Act IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Titania: Come here and sit, you're about to get the happiest makeover in your lifetime. 
> 
> Bottom: I'm sure I've had much worse makeovers over the years.

**Act IV, Scene 1**

_(ENTER Titania and Bottom and Fairies, oblivious to a hidden Oberon and The Four Lovers sleeping)_

Titania: Come here and sit, you're about to get the happiest makeover in your lifetime. 

Bottom: I'm sure I've had much worse makeovers over the years.

One: Ready the cannons!

Bottom: Aim for the head number One. Where's monsieur number Two?

Two: Ready the gunpowder!

Bottom: Number Two, good ol number Two. Prepare your weapons and travel to the north mountains, kill a red-hipped bumblebee and bring me it's bag of stolen goods. Don't break the bag, it's worth MILLIONS. Go along now. 

_(EXIT Two)_

Bottom: Now where is number Three?

Three: Ready the squirrels?!

Bottom: Bring me your mother's quilt and swear on it that you won't be rude!

Three: As you wish. What DO you wish?

Bottom: I WISH FOR WORLD DOMINATION. And to go to the barbers, I want to be more like the French.

Titania: Yo kidnapee? Who's your favorite artist? I just got Spotify premium so…

Bottom: Oh do play me some Weird Al. I was raised in the stuff.

Titania: I also hired Gordon Ramsay to yell at us.

Bottom: Hay is for horses, but I like sandwiches.

Titania: Well I slipped some chloroform into your sandwich, so you'll either sleep or die. 

_(Bell rings and fairies begin to leave)_

Titania: STOP. THE BELL DOESN'T DISMISS YOU, I DO… You're dismissed. 

_(EXIT Fairies One, Three, and Four)_

Titania: Oh don't you love poetry about nature. It's so delightful. (falls asleep next to Bottom) 

_(ENTER Batman)_

Oberon: Aww that's so sweet. But let's fix it, for while all this was going on I sent spies to kidnap The Pretty Boy. (applies nectar to Titania’s eyes) Now you can wake up and be my bickering buddy once more.

Titania: (waking up) Oh dude. I just had the weirdest dream. We were about to blow up parliament and kill the king under the name ‘John Johnson’. 

Oberon: That was no dream Titania.

Titania: What has this world come to…

Oberon: Shoooooouuuuushhhhhh. We have business to attend to regarding these Froyos and crazy women.

Titania: I'll play the boss music.

Batman: (removing Bottom’s donkey disguise) Now when he wakes up he'll think he's married to a pineapple.

Oberon: Oooh, play the Attack on Titan theme!!! (theme plays) Now let's rave dance over these guys. 

_(Titania and Oberon ballroom dance)_

Oberon: This wedding is going to be LIIIITTTTTT!

Batman: Well would you look at the time! No seriously, look, it's morning.

Oberon: Then let's go around the world in 80 days, traveling faster than Quicksilver-- and I really need to stop making references.

Titania: While we're gone could you pretty please with a cherry on top read me a bedtime story about dragons? I really want a bedtime story about dragons.

_(EXIT Oberon, Titania, and Batman, ENTER Theseus, Hippo, Eagle and Train with Friends theme song playing)_

Theseus: Go out and find a random woodman to perform the ceremony. And summon the hunting dogs, they've been practicing as a quartet to sing for the wedding. I would like to hear them. 

_(EXIT Member of Train)_

Theseus: My dear Hippopotamus, the dogs are all professional singers, so when they sing for us at the top of a cliff it will be satisfactory.

Hippo: I saw some of the greatest hunting dog quartet performances when I was hanging out with Hercules a few years back. THEY SOUNDED LIKE THUNDER!

Theseus: Well THESE hunting dogs are objectively better because they are from ANTARCTICA. Who are these fellows sleeping on the ground?

Eagle: Well who'd've thunk. It's my daughter dressed as a detective, two servings of Froyo-- one with toppings might I add-- and a Psychopath, Amnesiac, Vampire, Ghost… That just might be Helena. What are they doing here?!

Theseus: It might have something to do with that joust I received an invitation to last night. Or maybe they're just the type of people that arrive early and pitch tents? Who knows? Isn't it the detectives choosing day?

Eagle: Why, so it is!

Theseus: Bring me my tuba! 

_(A servant brings him a tuba, he blows it and the lovers start to awake)_

Theseus: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. 

_(Froyo, Froyo2, Detective H, and P.A.V.G kneel)_

Froyo2: (sneezes) Bless me.

Theseus: Arise like the dawn oh youth. 

_(All rise)_

Theseus: Now, I thought-- which is a very dangerous habit by the way-- that you had declared war on eachother. So why the slumber party?

Froyo2: I'm probably sleep walking, so this report might be a bit wonky, and a boring recap for those who have been here since season one. So, me and Detective H were planning a mountain adventure to become super spies when-- 

Eagle: STOP, STOP, STOP. You just admitted to breaking the laws of this land, which state in article number fifty-seven: Thee shall not go on mountain adventures to become super spies. I think it's very clear on the matter, don't you Froyo?

Froyo: Dude I'm tired. And I'm in love with a ghost. Like, I don't care about the laws any more. You know, like I just wanna take a nap even though I was just sleeping, you know that feeling?

Theseus: Well that settles it! We're having a triple wedding with Buffalo wings for all. 

_(EXIT Theseus, Hippo, Eagle and Remaining Train)_

Froyo: What just happened?

Detective H: I have deduced that I am seeing double. So many Froyos…

P.A.V.G: Well I'm an amnesiac, so I couldn't tell you if we had woken up or not because I don't remember. What did I just say?

Froyo: I think Theseus just proclaimed our imminent doom. Or our marriage. It's hard to decipher…

Detective H: Yeah, and my dad was all like, ‘I memorized all twenty-three law books, look at me not letting my daughter study law’. 

P.A.V.G: There was a Hippopotamus too.

Froyo2: And they wanted us to follow them to the top of a cliff. I wonder what they're planning. Whatever it is, I hope there's a river at the bottom.

Froyo: Let's get a move on then, and recount every episode of our favorite show along the way. 

_(EXIT Froyo, Froyo2, Detective H, and P.A.V.G.)_

Bottom: (waking up) Oh my. That was a weird dream. I think I should have Quince write it down and call it: "Bottom’s Dream". A most creative name indeed. Where IS Quince? Quince? QUINCE?! Oh well, looks like he's gone. We're still going to perform "Bottom’s Dream" at the wedding though. I hope Quince can write fast! 

_(EXIT Bottom)_

**Act IV, Scene 2**

_(ENTER Quince, Flute, Snout, and Starvelling)_

Quince: Where is that MORON Bottom?

Starvelling: We haven't heard from him. This must mean he was teleported away by a portal gun.

Flute: Dang it! I hope he didn't take the portal gun with him, it would have been a perfect prop for our play set in the 1600s.

Quince: We can't do the play without that MORON! He's the only one MORONIC enough to play a dying Pyramid. No one else has a stupid voice quite like his.

Flute: He's not stupid! Why just the other day he told me that baby ducks followed me around because they were plotting my murder. No one who isn't a genius would know that!

Quince: MORON! Baby ducks can't kill you unless they have a bazooka. And Bottom never graduated kindergarten. I would know, we dropped out together.

Flute: Kindergarten is an evil word Quince, don't use it so carelessly! 

_(ENTER Snug)_

Snug: Guuuuuuuys, the funeral is about to start, and even more people are getting married! That means we'll be rich if they don't kill us!

Flute: DUDE! If Bottom was here and he played Pyramid, then we would get a million bucks! And a million bucks is a lot of deer let me tell you…

_(ENTER Bottom)_

Bottom: STRIKE ME DOWN AND YOUR JOURNEY TO THE DARKSIDE WILL BE COMPLETE!

Quince: MORON! I'm totally not happy to see you. (is happy)

Bottom: Quincy! Quincy! Quincy! I need you to write this play for me, it's called "Bottom’s Dream" and it's about a dream that I, Bottom, had just now!

Quince: Don't call me Quincy, MORON.

Bottom: Well there isn't much time anyways… Come on Quincy and pals, the show must go on! And those Buffalo wings won't wait for anyone! 

_(EXIT Quince, Flute, Snout, Starvelling, Snug, and Bottom)_


	5. Act V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hippo: MAAAN, young people have such vivid imaginations.
> 
> Theseus: Yes, them lovers are always thinking that they're in the middle of the Iliad. Always thinking that they're the protagonist. Always thinking bears are bushes. It's quite dangerous to be in love.
> 
> Hippo: Well they all agreed that war on the bushes was a necessary evil, so perhaps our bear infestation will be solved soon?

**Act V, Scene 1**

_(ENTER Theseus, Hippo, Philostrate and Train)_

Hippo: MAAAN, young people have such vivid imaginations.

Theseus: Yes, them lovers are always thinking that they're in the middle of the Iliad. Always thinking that they're the protagonist. Always thinking bears are bushes. It's quite dangerous to be in love.

Hippo: Well they all agreed that war on the bushes was a necessary evil, so perhaps our bear infestation will be solved soon?

_(ENTER Froyo2, Froyo, Detective H, and P.A.V.G.)_

Theseus: Aaaah, here comes the madmen. And the ghost too, of course. We can't have too many continuity errors, now can we.

Froyo2: Indeed not, that would be like nailing a board to another board to make a thicker board, so you can put it in a thinner spot-- and I think the metaphor is getting away from me.

Theseus: There's a party in the house tonight everybody is having a good time. And we will party till it's one minute past our bedtime, and THEN go to bed. Hey Philostrate, do you have any school plays that we could watch and laugh at?

Philostrate: Well, you have been collecting them since birth, sir.

Theseus: Hmmmm. That means I've been watching them since birth… How about something else then, something like a live action shoujo anime, played completely by middle aged men?

Philostrate: (giving Theseus a paper) We have an assorted list of such plays sir. But choose wisely, some if the plays have an actual plot. 

Theseus: "Ouran Highschool Host Club,” played by the Beatles. Too realistic. "Ranma ½,” played by CGI cats. Too… too. "Romeo, Juliet, and the prisoner of Azkaban: The Return of the Kings,” played by high school weebs. Note that down for later. "ThisBee and Pyramid: The Hilariously Tragic Death of a King of Athens,” played by homeless guys or something. This sounds right up my alley! What's it about?

Philostrate: Well the play is about ten words long. And it's essentially about this lion who is in love with this bee named ThisBee. But Pyramid likes the bee more so he kills himself so his ghost can be with the bee when the lion inevitably crushes her. It made me cry sir. A lot. The bee was just so funny.

Theseus: What about these… ‘homeless guys or something’?

Philostrate: Well sir, they're a college fraternity group that invested all their savings in a business plan that involved selling memes on a street corner next to a McDonalds. Needless to say, they're homeless now.

Theseus: Hooo boi! This is going to be a GREAT PLAY.

Philostrate: Sir, I really don't think you should watch this play. A king should never indulge in unironic love of Shrek, or calling people dawg unironically.

Theseus: DANG IT PHILOSTRATE! I'm the KING, I can do what I want! You're my butler not my parent! Though that's not saying much in modern media… Bring in the Homeless Guys! 

_(EXIT Philostrate)_

Hippo: I don't like it when the good guys win, it's so cliche. I like it when they're dumb.

Theseus: Don't worry, you shall see nothing of the sort in this play. Pyramid is dumber than two turnips in a rain barrel.

Hippo: Yeah, but it has a plot! That might be too much for my brain to process.

Theseus: Even if it comes to that, the real goal of this endeavor is to make fun of people who are doing things they know are worthy of making fun. We are not simply laughing AT them my dear, but we are going to a higher degree and laughing WITH them! It is very noble. 

_(ENTER Philostrate)_

Philostrate: A duck approaches sir.

Theseus: Let It Approach.

_(ENTER The Duck/Quince)_

Quince as The Duck: If we offend, it is with our good will. That you should think we come not to offend, but with good will. To show our simple skill, that is the true beginning of our end. Consider then, we come in despite. We do not come, as minding to content you, our true intent is. All for your delight we are not here. That you should here repent you, the actors are at hand, and, by their show, you shall know that you are like to know.

_(EXIT The Duck/Quince)_

Theseus: Well. The little quacker was rather blunt.

Froyo2: Those ducks are trained in speech presentations, not public speaking, after all.

Hippo: Yes, but he did sound quite like a child in music class, squealing into the recorder for the first time.

Theseus: Quite so. Like a madman playing A-Quack on Titan for the first time in their sweet, sweet youth.

_(ENTER Pyramid/Bottom and ThisBee/Flute and the Wall/Snout and the Chair/Starveling and The Duck/Quince)_

Quince as The Duck: Now you probably want to see this play, but before that I will tell you the entire thing from start to finish. So there's these two sisters that are very close. But one shoots the other with ice powers. And they grow distant. But then sister two gets engaged, and sister one us like waaaah, and whips out the ice powers. And then she flees to the mountains and sings annoyingly catchy songs. Sister two gets lost in the woods and hitches a ride with a mountain man. They're chased by wolves and make it to sister one who basically says, do whatever you want, I don't care anymore. Then she shoots sister two with ice powers again. Sister two is dying, and, mountain man finds out she needs true love to fix her. After playing the song "true love" by P!nk doesn't do anything, he brings her to her fiancé. The fiancé whips out the traitor card, and leaves sister two to die like any other stupid villain. Then she dies and sister one saves her with a hug. Now on with the show!

Theseus: Do you think The Lion is going to talk?

Froyo: Oh there is no doubt, he's the main character!

_(EXIT ThisBee, Chair and Duck)_

Snout as Wall: Walls can't speak, but we can rhyme, LEEK!

Theseus: I'm sure he could speak better with a little lemon and honey tea.

Froyo: Wall is my new favorite character. He's just so witty!

Theseus: Oh the Pyramid and Wall are about to clash! Silence your phones!

Bottom as Pyramid: Oh! It is night time! Oh Wall, lovely Wall! How wally art thou! But I hate you Wall! For you have separated me from my beloved chocolate! 

Theseus: I think the wall is the most sensible character. I want him to have more lines.

Bottom: The wall can't have more lines! ThisBee already had her cue, so there's no time! Oh wait, I'm breaking the fourth wall aren't I…

_(ENTER ThisBee)_

Flute as ThisBee: Oh sweet Wall! Do you remember all the times I have kissed you?!

Bottom as Pyramid: Kissing?! Like a kiss! Like a Hershey kiss? Like CHOCOLATE! I must get over there right now!

Flute as ThisBee: Oh Wall, thou art my only love!

Bottom as Pyramid: Are you talking to the Wall? Could you please stop, it's making my creative juices on what to write here malfunction.

Flute as ThisBee: Oh! References to Troy! Oh joy!

Bottom as Pyramid: Dang it. I broke the fourth wall's fourth wall. This must be a tragedy not a comedy!

Flute as ThisBee: Who is Shafulus? I don't understand this reference.

Bottom as Pyramid: Oh mysterious Wall kisser, might you yet some chocolate through the Wall? 

Flute as ThisBee: Oh, but I wanted to break down the Wall with my beer and say (in a very gruff voice) OH YEAAH.

Bottom as Pyramid: Did you know that meteorites are always falling for bad jokes?

Flute as ThisBee: Oh. Oh that is good.

_(EXIT Bottom and Flute)_

Snout as Wall: I am a WALL! 

_(EXIT Snout)_

Theseus: Walls out thighs out, if you know what I'm saying.

Froyo: I'm afraid I don't know Mr. President.

Hippo: This is the silliest stuff that I’ve ever heard.

Theseus: No no! It's great. Like watching JoJo's Bizarre adventure without the intention of over-analyzing the science.

Hippo: I think your delusional darling.

Theseus: Oh look, here comes our favorite protagonists: Lion and his buddy Chair.

Snug as Lion: Remember that bit we did earlier with the rap thing? Well PSYCHE! It wasn't a bit! Got eem! Ahem…  
No kill zone  
Going at it alone  
Please don't wage war  
Won't be entertained no more  
I'm an actor not a beast  
Not counted among the deceased  
You amazon warriors  
Don't like masculine couriers  
Hear us out not only 'cause  
We here for you but because  
I'm not a real lion.

Theseus: A very gentle beast, with good manners.

Froyo: Indeed, though I think he used slant rhymes a bit too much for my tastes.

Froyo2: He looked kind of like an antelope to me.

Theseus: More like a goose to me.

Froyo. No no, he has a zebras exact personality.

Theseus: Well let's just stop talking, Demetrius, oh I mean Froyo. The chair is about to speak.

Starveling as Chair: This chair that I am holding represents me.

Froyo: He should have put the chair on his head.

Theseus: No, he's not Stoick the Vast oh hear his name and tremble ugh ugh!

Starveling as Chair: This Chair is me and I am the Chair.

Theseus: This is the greatest error, he should have put the chair down and crawled under it.

Froyo: He doesn't dare, if you look closely, you can see that his hands are superglue to the chair.

Hippo: He's so boring! Bring back the Wall!

Theseus: Perhaps if he glued the rest of himself to the Chair, then he would truly be ‘one with the Chair’. 

Froyo2: Proceed Chair.

Starveling as Chair: I am a Chair and a bush and a dog too. That's all I have to say.

Froyo: Why didn't he put a dog-bush on the Chair! Honestly this is such low quality.

_(ENTER Flute as ThisBee)_

Flute as ThisBee: I've lost the capacity to be funny. I'm starting to doubt if I ever even was.

Snug as Lion: meow 

_(ThisBee runs off in fear, leaving her rubber duck behind)_

Froyo: That was a truly terrifying meow.

Theseus: And that was a truly terrifying man dressed as a woman running.

Hippo: That was a truly terrifying Chair, just sitting there doing nothing.

_(Lion squeaks the rubber ducky)_

Theseus: That was a truly terrifying squeaking.

_(ENTER Bottom as Pyramid)_

Froyo: And then came Pyramid.

_(EXIT Lion)_

Froyo2: And so the Lion teleported away.

Bottom as Pyramid: I'm so frickin tired y’all. Thanks Chair for letting me sit next to you and not on you. It means a lot. I mean, my best friend since I was five, this little duck named Duck, he just passed away via explosion.

Theseus: Rest in peace Duck. Your memory will live on in our hearts forever.

Hippo: Oof.

Bottom as Pyramid: Thus, thus, thus. Thus thus this, thus. Thus thus. (stabs himself) Thus, Thus, Thus, I am dead. 

_(EXIT Chair)_

Bottom as Pyramid: Thus dead, thus dead. (falls)

Froyo: Dang it! I can't handle it when authors kill off their characters so dramatically. (sniffles)

Froyo2: One down. Three to go.

Theseus: Well if an ambulance comes, he might survive.

Hippo: But the chair already left, how is the ambulance going to find him?

Theseus: A bottle of Moonshine should do the trick. 

_(ENTER Flute as ThisBee)_

Theseus: Oh, here comes the drama.

Hippo: I hope she doesn't talk too much, her voice is so annoying. It sounds like a middle aged man trying to sound like a schoolgirl.

Froyo: Well considering the actor…

Froyo2: She's probably a spy for the government.

Froyo: Umm, Froyo2, WE'RE the government.

Flute as ThisBee: Oh poetry? This is suspiciously familiar to another play known as Romeo an-- (stabs herself) Rose… bud… (falls)

Theseus: Chair and Lion are left to bury the dead.

Froyo: Aye, and the Wall too.

_(Bottom and Flute rise)_

Bottom: No, the wall went home. Do you want us to perform the cut scene?

Theseus: No thanks… Your play was good on its own. Someone kick up the YouTube dance tutorials! 

_(They dance)_

_(EXIT The Clowns™)_

Now it's past everyone's bedtime. Go on, up to bed now. I'm going to have nightmares about being glued to chairs, but it doesn't matter! We still have to sleep!

_(EXIT Everyone)_

**Act V, Scene 2**

_(ENTER Batman)_

Batman: When the mice are away, the cats set their trap.

_(ENTER Oberon, Titania, and Fairies)_

Oberon: That Just Dance thing looked interesting. Come on fairies, let's try it!

Titania: I brought the karaoke!

_(Oberon leads the Fairies in a Just Dance/karaoke competition)_

Oberon: And now! We exit, farewell readers and hearers and cavemen.

_(EXIT all except Batman)_

Batman: Now it's done. We have nothing funny left to say. No quip nor banter nor reference nor pun left inside us to put down. Farewell. Farewell.

_(EXIT Batman)_

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically me throwing up my brain onto Shakespeare.  
> Hope it was just as fun for you as it was for me.


End file.
